I am Rob Tangurro. I am ethnically ambiguous and 27 years old.
My life is unfolding according to my five-year plan. I am an Associate Marketing Business Analyst at Business Marketing Associates, LLC. I use the word ‘fluid’ as much as possible. I corner global markets. I order all my veggie burgers with extra lettuce.
I get my teeth cleaned every six months to the day. I bring up my Roth IRA on dates. When my childhood dog dies, I make it my profile picture of Facebook. My parents are very proud of me. We talk twice a week.
I look a bit like a marsupial.
I finally meet the girl of my dreams. Her name is Lucy and her dad owns a boat. She says the following to her friends about me: “He is so nice! He’s so nice and he’s so tall! But he has bad hair. But he’s so nice.”
Months pass. Everything is going great. We go to couples therapy and yoga and Whole Foods every day.
At work I have a big presentation. I end my presentation with the following statement: “We’re growing, and we’re going to continue to grow. Now how can we keep the conversation going? How can we maintain that passion?”
It is a rousing success. I am promoted to Senior Marketing Business Analyst. Lucy and I adopt every highway in the world together to celebrate
Days go by. Lucy and I pass the time by checking each other out through our phone cameras. We go to Starbucks and feel moved by the advice written on the bathroom walls. We move in together and fill our house with flattering mirrors.
When we want a child we buy two Corgis and a Pomeranian. We talk incessantly about how resilient they are. I say, “The two Corgis bully the Pomeranian.” My wife says, “They are such resilient creatures.” We fill our closets with 5K for Africa T-shirts. We tell everyone that this is what Africa was missing the whole time.
I am a very serious man. I put water purification tablets in every glass of water I drink. I refer to rural communities as insular. I am, however, the social chair of the cancer society.
We have a child and name him Variety Pack.
I am given the responsibility of booking the featured speaker at Business Marketing Associates, LLC’s annual banquet. I book a woman who used to be overweight. It is a huge success. I am named a partner. I purchase the new iPhone.
I receive a letter from my first grade teacher that her address has changed and her cats have died. In a quiet moment, I shed a tear.
We buy Variety Pack fish and an aquarium but he continually tacks the fish to the wall. I give him a stern warning.
Things start to unravel. I accidently take a rotten banana through airport security. The market for business marketing analysis tanks. I misuse the word ‘synergy’ in an important presentation. I become stressed out and put on too many sweaters.
Variety Pack starts doing poorly in school. I cheat on my wife with a woman named Chet Drepper. I consider death.
I begin gambling on football games. I point at TVs in empty bars with a beer in my hand. To stabilize myself, I talk to homeless men on the street while I wear a fine suit.
I read up on suicide. I learn that you don’t suffocate when you hang yourself – your neck breaks. I note that this is an important distinction.
Variety Pack asks me when we can have Hanukkah and I tell him when we are Jewish.
I leave my wife for Chet Drepper. I begin writing poetry and change my name to Ian.
I perform open mic stand-up comedy twice a week and enroll in an improv class. I toil. Things improve. Fifty years pass in this way.
I am old. I perform guest spots for 92 Moose in the Morning. I read the local celebrity birthdays on air with Renee. I am happy and content. Variety Pack is a successful Market Content Optimization Manager at Content Managing Optimization Group, LLC. I am very proud of him. We talk twice a week.
I become sick. I am taken into the hospital. I tell everyone I will pass away with no regrets. I watch Maury. I wonder what kind of person you have to be to actually die with no regrets. I leave Variety Pack all the highways I adopted in my will.
I pass away in my sleep while a nurse uses the bathroom in my room.
I will be remembered by history.
Image via Pixabay.